I haven't blogged in a while because I've been busy with school, and blah blah blah, but the REAL reason is because I just haven't known what to write. And today, you'll have to excuse my language and lack of eloquence, because I don't have it in me to be polite or wordy.
Fuck you, Acid Reflux.
Acid reflux, you have done nothing but torture my innocent son. He has done nothing to deserve the agony you've been inflicting upon him. You have caused me to break down in pubic places because my son has just been screaming in pain all day and there has been virtually nothing I can do to put an end to it.
Conventional medicine? I'm not your biggest fan right now either. I'm sure you have plenty to offer lots of people who are injured or ill, but you failed us during my son's birth, and you are failing us as we try to treat his acid reflux.
I'm sick of acid reflux.
I'm sick of listening to my son whine or cry most of a given day because he is miserable.
I'm sick of him crying during or after nursing sessions because acid reflux makes it miserable for him.
I'm sick (sick to my stomach, heartsick, and sick & tired) of not knowing how to help. Of feeling guilty because I think I *should* be doing more. Should I have been a better advocate or pushed for this referral or that dosage increase?
I'm sick of trips to the doctor.
I'm sick of hearing his reflux cough/gag in the middle of the night and praying that it won't wake him up (but knowing it will).
I'm sick of cleaning spit-up off of everything.
I'm sick of watching him struggle to develop because he is miserable when he spends time on his tummy.
I'm sick of being strong.
I'm sick of acting like acid reflux isn't a big deal or isn't affecting our family too badly because others have more serious illnesses to deal with.
I'm sick of praying fervently every single night, trying to bargain with God to make my son feel better
I'm sick of being deeply mentally/emotionally exhausted at the end of a day.
I'm not depressed. I'm not anxious. I'm simply very much at the end of my rope with Acid Reflux.